Thursday, December 27, 2012

December 27, 2012

My love,

So much to tell that's happened in the last two and a half months! I'll give you the highlights first.

1. The world didn't end.
     Yeah, yeah, I know this was never an actual possibility, but it was certainly in the back of my mind for a   while.

2. I had my baby shower.
     Your aunts, Natalie and Sabrina threw it for me and it was wonderful to feel so loved! They chose a Love Bug theme and incorporated your father's automotive hobbies. You got so many presents and A TON of clothes. One thing's for sure, you are one very loved little girl. :)

3. I was blessed with Christmas spirit this year.
     Normally I hate Christmas. I mean, I detest it. This year, I couldn't help myself. I .put up a mini tree, sent out Christmas cards and decorated the front of the house. The only difference this year is you. The only explanation I have for this change of spirit is that you're actually an elf. We'll see.

4. I'm very noticeably pregnant.
     I've gained about 24 lbs and everyone agrees that I'm all belly. I have to admit, I like it. It's hard to watch your body take on a new shape, but it's made easier when the majority of your figure stays relatively the same.

I feel you move every day and it's truly my favorite thing. You kick less than you used to. Now it's mostly stretching and rolling. Tonight I was reading Alice in Wonderland to you and you went crazy. I think you like the sound of when your daddy and I talk to you.

I'm feeling quite well for 32 weeks; just a little tired as I haven't really slept much lately. I have to sleep on my side and usually wake up with sore hips and pelvis because of it. My pelvic bone is also starting to hurt because it's separating and making room for you. It's weird for your father and I to think that you'll join our family in just eight weeks.

I'm sad to admit that I still have lingering anxiety about your safety. I love you so much and don't want anything to hurt you, especially when we're so close! I feel that I prepared myself pretty well for pregnancy and not too many things have come as a shock. But the one thing I wasn't expecting was to feel so close to you, but so far away. I can't see, hold or comfort you and right now that's all I want. Oh well, soon enough.

Well, I must get ready for bed; it's getting quite late. I love you and am so looking forward to meeting you, my baby bug.


Friday, October 12, 2012

Quick love note

My love,
You're such a good baby. You've always been so cooperative during our doctor's appointments. And there have been a few times lately that I've worried when I haven't felt you kick for a while. I just say a silent plea to you to show me you're okay and you always kick me nice and hard.
On another note, there's been a lot of national attention being paid to a little girl named Jessica Ridgeway. She was a 10-year Westminster girl who disappeared on her way to school last Friday morning. There was a nationwide search for her and this afternoon, the Arvada police announced that her body was found in a park very close to your cousins' house. I've heard about so many abductions in my life, but this one has really affected me. It probably has a lot to do with you. I wish I could keep you safe in my belly forever so no one will ever hurt you. I guess this is what they mean when they say that having a child means putting legs on your heart and letting it walk around outside your body. I think I'll start building your bubble now.


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

October 10, 2012

My love,
What a month it's been! I fully intended to update you following our elective gender ultrasound, but didn't (obviously.) I make no excuses for myself. I'm an adult. With a job. And I'm easily distracted when I get home. So there.
We had an amazing time at the ultrasound! While we were enjoying all the wiggling, kicking and waving, we found out that you're a girl. This was confirmed about two and a half weeks later at our 20-week ultrasound. Everything looked perfect - your spine, your brain, your kidneys, your heart and your limbs among other things. Of course, I cry at every. single. ultrasound. I just love seeing you. Makes me wish I had x-ray vision.  If I could, I would probably pay $100 every week just to check in with you. But I'll just settle for the photos and DVD we have of you.
I'm still feeling pretty good, relatively speaking. At 21 weeks, my back and hips are starting to hurt. I'm not sure if this is pregnancy-related or just regular wear and tear on my muscles and joints. My belly is getting big and I have to admit, I love it. I used to spend so many mornings in front of the mirror pushing my belly out trying to get a preview of what it would look like someday. It's just as cool as I ever hoped it would be. :)
Your dad and I have started on your room. He's so sweet. While your grandparents and I were in Estes Park, he went and bought all the supplies to start your room. He wanted to get everything done in 24 hours to surprise me when I got back. Then he got paged for work and wasn't able to do anything. It didn't matter. I was so impressed by the initiative.
One thing I don't think I've told you yet is that your Aunt Natalie is also pregnant. She's about three weeks ahead of me and is having a little boy. Unlike me, she wasn't expecting to start her family just yet. I think she's going to be a wonderful mom, but I'm concerned about how all the stress in her life is affecting her happiness. But that's another story for another time.
Well, I should start to head toward bed. I'm pretty exhausted half the time anymore. I love you and I'm so looking forward to meeting you.


P.S. By the way, here's my new favorite picture of you. I can't help it; you're beautiful.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

September 15, 2012

My love,
The NT scan went awesome! We got to see the Bug on a huge 50" flat screen TV and everything looked wonderful. We could see the most beautiful brain, spine, limbs and heart. The Bug was sleeping on its tummy, nuzzled up to the placenta, so there was no movement, but it's okay. The doctor said the nuchal fold was just the right thickness and my blood work came back with a 1:>10,000 likelihood of the three major trisomies. So, all very good news.

In the last month, I've become more comfortable with the thought that we're going to see this through. We've announced our pregnancy on Facebook and I've started wearing mostly maternity clothes. I swear I've felt the Bug move, but your dad says it's all in my head. Given the fact that I found out I have an anterior placenta, (which means it's at the front of my uterus and in front of the baby) makes me think he might be right. But don't tell him that. :)

Today we're hoping to find out the Bug's sex. I'm 17 weeks, so we scheduled an elective ultrasound at this place in Denver that Aunt Sabrina had a great experience at. Just two and a half more hours. I feel like a kid at Christmas. I'll be back with the results.

On the not-so-great part I have gingivitis. Apparently it's pretty common during pregnancy. After a pretty emotional time at the dentist, scheduling a cleaning for Monday, using Listerine twice a day and convincing myself temporarily that the bacteria was going to hurt the Bug, I'm doing okay. My gums on the right side of my mouth hurt like hell, but I'm hoping it's temporary. As far as pregnancy afflictions go, I think I'm getting off pretty easy.

Well, I'll talk to you soon. Here's a picture of my NT scan.


Monday, August 13, 2012

August 13, 2012

My love,

We've decided to have the NT scan done tomorrow. There was a lot of back and forth debating (mostly in my head) and I talked to a variety of people, but ultimately it was your Aunt Sabrina that helped me decide. She's a special ed teacher and said that from an educator's perspective, if something were to go wrong, then knowing this early would give us an advantage to get tapped into support networks.

About half the people I talked to said that they didn't do the NT scan because it wouldn't change anything and they wouldn't abort no matter what the results were. It seems to me that that's a rather grim way to look at things. I don't see the test as being at a crossroads to terminate or not to terminate. I want to have the scan done because I want to check in with The Bug. I want to know that all is developing the way it's supposed to. Maybe that makes me a control freak or overly sensitive. Whatever. I'm your mom. This shouldn't surprise you.

I also decided that there are going to be a lot of things about parenthood that are going to scare the crap out of your father and I, and if we start cowering now, it's going to eat us up before we know what hit us. So we're going into this full steam. Well, I'm going into it full steam, I think your father's along for a ride on the crazy train. :)

Well, I've felt a little yucky all day and I'm going to try to get to bed a little earlier. I hope wherever you are, you're happy, healthy and warm. Take care. I love you.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

August 7, 2012

My love,
So much to tell! I'm sucking at this journaling thing lately. Everything's just been so hectic!
First off, we had another great appointment the day after my last entry. The Bug's heartbeat was 178 and everything looked great. So great, in fact, that we graduated from our RE's office and moved on to my regular OB. It makes me nervous to be just another pregnant lady, but ultimately it's a good thing.
I've gone off the progesterone and estrogen, with my last day being last Saturday. I was nervous about this, too. In the back of my mind, I thought the progesterone was keeping me pregnant. I've had a few mild cramps and headaches since Sunday, but it's been 72 hours since my last dose and I think I'm doing okay!
This weekend, we get to tell your Aunt Sabrina and the rest of your dad's family about The Bug. But I have to wait and tell my side of the extended family for another two weeks when I go to Michigan. I really can't wait for all of this to be out in the open. But by the same token, I'm not sure how I handle being the center of attention. Can't have it both ways, though. :)
Right now, we're trying to decide whether or not to do the NT (nuchal translucency) scan. This routine ultrasound would give us a heads if the Bug has any major birth defects. The reason your father and I are debating is due to my anxiety. We're afraid if there's a) anything wrong or b) we get a false positive, that I'll obsess over it for the rest of the pregnancy. Not sure what's going to happen. If we do decide to do it, I'll have another pic to show off for the next entry.
Well, I should be off to bed. My pregnancy books tell me I need more sleep, but I haven't been able to adhere to that too well. Especially since I'm up 1-2 times a night to pee. Sleep and I have a love/hate relationship right now. Hopefully that will get better as time goes on.

Take care and I love you.


Monday, July 16, 2012

July 16, 2012

My love,

Two weeks ago we saw and heard the most beautiful little heartbeat - 6w 5d and 121 bpm. The ultrasound tech and nurse seemed pleased and said everything looked great! I cried through the entire thing; I was so nervous and relieved. Now tomorrow we're going to do it all again at our 9 week ultrasound. Again, I'm pretty nervous that there's going to be nothing there. I wish I could shake this and just enjoy this exciting time. But I can't seem to truly let myself enjoy something that I'm not 100% sure is permanent. I don't mean to sound morbid, but I guess I'm just wired that way.

My symptoms have subsided and then increased slightly over the last two weeks. Still no throwing up, but the main ones are still sore boobs, occasional cramping, more tired, and more mood swings. I think my Google-itis has gone down a bit, too, which I find comforting.

I'm not sure why I wait until the night before a nerve racking day to update this journal. Maybe it's my way of prolonging my procrastination, or maybe I'm trying to boost my happiness for a few hours before my worry sets in. Either way, I'm going to stick with this as long as I can. And maybe when I have more energy, I can go more in depth about the cool things that I've experienced through this pregnancy.

One tidbit: We've nicknamed our baby "The Bug." That way, if I ever do get sick, in order to avoid suspicion, I can just tell people I've got a little bug. :) Here's a picture from our first ultrasound. I hope to have another one tomorrow.


Sunday, July 1, 2012

July 1, 2012

My love,

Today I'm 6w 4d pregnant and I'm feeling better about it every day. I've had a lot of emotional ups and downs in the last 3 weeks and I'm afraid your dad has been pulled right into it with me. He's a good sport, though. We have our 7 week ultrasound on Tuesday, when we're hoping to see and hear a heartbeat. We've decided that because of my history of anxiety and the fact that having no one but you and him to talk to about this, that once we see a healthy heartbeat, we're going to tell our parents, and swear them to secrecy until we get closer to the safe zone. My brain is a little all over the place right now, so I'm going to end with my current pregnancy symptoms.

REALLY sore and growing boobs
Occasional uterine cramping (more so in the first couple of weeks)
Peeing all the time
Slight nausea when I'm hungry
Crying over the smallest things
A little more tired than usual (though I have a hard time slowing down)


Sunday, June 17, 2012

June 17, 2012

My love,

Well, it's official: I'm pregnant.

After I got the positive HPT on Tuesday, I called my RE's office and told them. If it's possible, they were just as excited as I was. They sent me in for bloodwork to check my HCG and progesterone levels. The HCG test is commonly referred to as a "beta." So beta #1 panned out this way: HCG - 126, progesterone - 20. Pretty good numbers. :) Then they sent me back two days later for beta #2. These were the results: HCG - 370, progesterone - 25.6. They like to see the HCG double every 48-72 hours, and the progesterone to stay above 8, so the nurse said these results were great! I'm on these wretched progesterone suppositories for who knows how long to keep the level up in my uterus, so first hurdle cleared there.

Now we're on to a whole host of others.

The biggest thing we're battling right now is my anxiety. I'm not really what you'd call an optimist. I'm always waiting for the worst case scenario to happen. Don't worry; I'm in therapy for it and have been for a while. I don't want to fuck you up too badly by not ever letting you drive or shave or something like that. But no matter how much work I do on my anxiety, stressers always pop up to make me go back into overdrive. This is a stresser. Not that I'm not thrilled to finally be pregnant (hallelujah!) I'm just scared shitless that it's not going to last and it's not you in there. Your dad says he knows for certain that this is it and that we're going to meet you come February. I'm getting there.

I go back and forth between daydreaming about getting big and pregnant and holding you in my arms to going to the bathroom and seeing blood in my underwear and ending up in the ER. I have absolutely no reason to believe that this pregnancy will end badly, except for the reason I confessed to two entries ago: it's just not meant to be this easy for me. Is it?

Your poor father, he puts up with me so well. I know I would have gotten frustrated long before now. That's why I want him to be your daddy. He's amazing, just you wait.

So, what to do with this journal now that I'm pregnant? Well, it's going to change a bit, but not much. It's still meant to show you all that I went through to be your mother, and I can't help but think that the real test of endurance has yet to come. So, stick around. The story's not over yet.


P.S. Happy Father's Day! :)

Thursday, June 14, 2012

June 12, 2012

My love,

I saw two lines this morning.
Shit just got real. Details to come.

Monday, June 11, 2012

June 11, 2012

My love,
I know it's been a month since my last entry. This was intentional... mostly. The main reason was that your father and I took a big step in our journey to meet you this month. I'll give you the details here in a minute, but first let me back up. I started my period spontaneously (read: unexpectedly) on Mother's Day. I probably should have been upset, but instead I was pleasantly surprised, especially since it made that cycle only 27 days. That's almost unheard of when you have PCOS. We were already scheduled to see our RE the next day and I was glad that we would have something good to report.

We went into the appointment sure that the doc was going to say our numbers sucked and he would recommend IVF as the next step. We were prepared to politely tell him that if that were the case, we'd rather wait until January of 2013 to allow us to save up some more money. We had made the decision together and it felt good.

Then, he spun us around 180 degrees and said we'd done such good work, he'd like to give IUI (intrauterine insemination) a shot first. I was speechless. We mentioned wanting to wait until the next month, but later changed our minds. We wanted to start now!

I had to go back in for a CD3 ultrasound the next day and took 100mg Clomid CD5-CD9. As a result, I got one big follicle - 24mm! I was a little sad that I only got one, but had to remind myself that that's what the average woman gets every month without medication, and that I shouldn't be greedy.

Our insemination happened on May 30 with 2.2 million little guys, post-wash. I never really thought much about what it would feel like, but now I can say without a doubt, it hurt! I could feel the catheter hit the top of my uterus and I'm not ashamed to say I cried through the whole thing (partly because of the pain, partly because of all the emotions I was feeling). But I wouldn't undo a second of it.

One thing I have to tell you about your dad - he's the best husband a girl could ask for. Following the procedure, while I was lying on my back with my hips raised (such a flattering position), I mentioned that I'd forgotten to get a clown video. He asked what I meant and I told him I'd read some obscure Italian study that posed an increased IUI success rate when the patient watched a video of a clown immediately after. So, what do you think your dad did? Yep. He went straight to YouTube on his phone and found the first clown video he could find. :)

So here I am, nearly two weeks later, waiting for my period to start any minute. Tomorrow's the day I'm supposed to test if I haven't gotten it and I'm just trying to keep my expectations low so I don't have as many pieces to pick up. I keep having imaginary conversations with myself about why I don't think I'm pregnant. No matter what scientific reason I come up with, the one that ultimately makes the most sense to me is that it simply can't happen this way. Not for me. I'm meant to travel a much harder road; at least that's what I've been envisioning the past few months. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, maybe not.

So, there's the reason I haven't written. I've had quite a bit to say, but didn't want to get my hopes up any higher than they are naturally. I guess you'll be hearing from me soon, based on the events of the next couple of days.

Take care and I love you, whenever you are.


Friday, May 11, 2012

May 11, 2012

My love,
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant with you. It was one of those incredibly vivid dreams and when I woke up I thought for a second that it was real. But reality quickly rushed in and I realized it was all made up.
I can still see it so clearly. We were in a dimly lit sonogram room and we had just found out you were a girl. In that moment I could see so clearly what you were going to look like and it filled me with such wonderful and warm emotions.
I think three things contributed to my dream.
1. We found out on Tuesday that even though the medicine your Dad's been taking worked in raising his sperm count, (27 million - yeah!) his morphology is down about 7 points at 1%. This makes our chances of conception extremely low (They're pointing us toward IVF at this point.) I started crying before we even left the office. I felt bad; I didn't want your father to think I was blaming him for anything, but I just felt like it was yet another obstacle to overcome. Normally I would say something like, "Anything worth having takes hard work," and I believe that, I really do. I'm just in a sour place right now.
2. This Sunday is Mother's Day. Every year I'm reminded how many amazing women are in my life who are also mothers. I'm also reminded that I'm not one of them. Because of this, all week I've been doing this odd dance between embracing and avoiding Mother's Day. It's exhausting.
3. Chinese food. It's 100% possible that the egg fried rice messed with my brain last night.
So, needless to say, I've had a lot on my mind lately. We're meeting our RE on Monday to discuss moving forward. I'm actually excited because now I know what direction we're working toward and I think it's all going to work out.


Monday, May 7, 2012

May 7, 2012

My love,
Everyone always says you do crazy things for your kids once you're a parent. Now I'm going to tell you about the crazy things some of us do just to BECOME parents!
As I type this (on my iPhone!), I'm laying on my back on an elevated table with needles stuck in various places all over my body. Yep, I'm doing acupuncture. This is one half of the alternative treatment remedies I'm trying out in hopes of becoming your mother. The other half is abdominal massage, which I'll have to tell you about some other time.
Basically, the point of doing acupuncture is in hopes of getting me to ovulate on my own. Who knows if it will work? I'm just figuring that it can't hurt, right? And given my strictly Western medicine background, I'm actually rather impressed with my open mindedness. :)
So, take it from me, I love you so much, I allow someone to make me into a pin cushion twice a month in order to meet you.
Enjoy the picture below. I figured that one was better than the needles right above my ovaries.

Monday, April 30, 2012

April 30, 2012

My love,
Waiting does funny things to a person. Some days it makes you feel that if you have to wait another minute for that which you desire, you could very easily implode. Other days, it makes you feel strong and confident. Like turning around mid-trip to look at the thousand miles you've come, while remembering the beginning when you were sure you couldn't take the first step. We'll continue to wait for and travel toward you, I promise.
The side effects of waiting have been on my mind today because the day has finally come to see if the medicine your father's been taking has worked. His tests were today, but we won't actually get the results until May 8. So we wait some more, all the while the results have already been observed, recorded and filed away for the doctors' perusal.
This doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to. So I guess you could say I'm having a strong day. I learned the hard way that many times, even though you can easily get test results over the phone, you don't get the context (or reassuring words) unless it comes from a doctor. This doesn't mean I'm not tempted to jump the gun. It just means I'll find a way to keep my mind occupied until I no longer have to. It reminds me a bit of finals back in college. You do all you can do to prepare leading up to the test, then you give it to the universe to do with it what it may.
I imagine you're a lot like me- a worrier and a planner. I so, I hope we've taken steps to help you cope with this. Heaven knows I could have used some help earlier than I got it. But if you're not, don't worry. Life can be hard enough without beating yourself up over things you can't control.
I'm off to make dinner. Take care.


Saturday, April 7, 2012

April 7, 2012

My love,

I see what you're doing, and I don't like it. I don't like that you haven't even been created yet and already you're calling the shots. But I guess you're just preparing me for what it will be like when you're here. Heaven help us if you're as stubborn as me. I came to the realization the other day that you're waiting until I'm really ready. You're waiting to make sure I'm really sure about all of this mothering stuff. You're just waiting until the right time.

Well, here's the deal. I'm not sure about a lot of things. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with the heart break of failed IUI attempts, how much money we're going to spend before we meet you, or whether the road to that meeting is going to look anything like I picture it.

I'm not even 100% sure that I'll find my niche in parenting. Who knows? Maybe I'm meant to be "the cool aunt" forever. But here's what I am sure about: I'm sure that no matter how scary the thought of failure is, it will all be worth it when our dream of you becomes reality. I'm sure that we'll be the best parents we can be to you and I'm sure you're going to be smothered with more love than any one kid can handle.

So basically, we're moving forward. I'm working to change my diet so I'm not sabotaging myself by rebelling against my PCOS. I'm also seeking out alternative medicine treatments (Mayan abdominal massage and acupuncture - more about those later) in hopes of balancing my overall health. We'll see how it all works out.

I saw this on the road the other day and just had to take a picture as I chuckled to myself. It was a clearer sign than I could have wished for. The universe was telling me, "Yes, the road ahead will be rough, but you better figure out a way to get through it, because there's no turning back now!"


Friday, March 2, 2012

February 14, 2012

My love,

Happy Valentine’s Day! To be honest, I’ve never been much of a fan of Valentine’s Day, and this year, your father’s out of town on business, so I’m extra annoyed by all the hearts and roses that seem to line the grocery store shelves and wallpaper Facebook. Oh well, tomorrow we’ll go back to the way things were.

I have no news on the baby front, except that your dad forgot to take his pills with him on his trip, so that’s five days he’ll be missing out on. A couple of months ago, I probably would have gotten upset, thinking we were losing time. I feel like we don’t have much of it as it is. But today, I’d like to think I have a bit more perspective. It’s only five days, and what was I going to do? Overnight them to him? Nah, no point. Besides, I’m trying to eradicate the crazy from my brain.

On the non-baby front, the most interesting thing going on is that I’m in the process of planning my 10-year high school reunion. Your father thinks I’m nuts. He might be right. Now, I know you only know me as your mom, but I’m being completely honest when I say that I’m the last person I ever expected to be planning the reunion. I wasn’t the class president, valedictorian or prom queen. I was editor of the school newspaper and literary magazine, but all that meant was I was queen of my own geeky world. People don’t typically remember that kind of stuff fondly.

At any rate, I’ve spent about nine years dreading my reunion (see aforementioned queen of the nerds role) and wondering if I would even want to go when it came right down to it. But then it became clear that there was no direction and no one offering to do it, and I realized all that nervous energy I’d been storing up couldn’t just go to waste; I should convert it into productivity! So in a (not so) rare moment of insanity and falsely heightened confidence, I put my hat in the ring. It was all going quite smoothly until we made the first hard decision: the date. Now people who were perfectly content to observe from the sidelines before the announcement have opinions that are contrary to the planning committee’s. Heaven help me, I thought I’d already graduated high school. Mea culpa for jumping back in the cesspool feet first.

Well, it’s getting late and I have an early day tomorrow, so I should be off to bed. I hope as you’re reading this, that you’re not dreading your own 10-year reunion. Just remember, no one is at 28 who they were at 18. At least that’s what I’m going to tell myself until this awful event is over.


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Stupid things people say on Facebook to congratulate expectant parents (or "The best way to ruin an otherwise lovely Sunday afternoon")

For those dealing with infertility, social networking sites can feel like a minefield. And thanks to status updates and "the newsfeed," Facebook is quite possibly the worst.
As humans we want to share our milestones and life accomplishments with as many of our loved ones as possible, and rightfully so. I can't really begrudge anyone wanting to share a cutesy preggo announcement, sonogram or positive pregnancy test pic. But I can judge the stupid things people post in reply. Remember, if you voluntarily post something online, you're giving the world a free pass to critique it. And no, the irony of this statement appearing in a blog isn't lost on me. Thanks for asking.
So here are the responses I wish I could post to well-meaning yet oblivious well wishers.

Post: "It's about time you two!"
First off, it's glaringly obvious this person has never battled infertility. Second, why would you scold somebody that you perceive has been "holding out" on having a baby? Did they do it to spite you? Are you really so invested in their reproductive habits that this response is appropriate? Grow up.

Post: "You better catch up on sleep now! Lololol"
Seriously? I know this is meant to be humorous, but they've probably been pregnant for about a minute before the advice starts. I could go into how this response could either be viewed as spiteful or patronizing, but really it's just overused and ultimately not worth it.

Post: "You better hope for a boy!"
I'm sorry, did we just teleport back to Henry VIII's England? Does the presence of a Y chromosome still bestow endless blessings upon the new parents? Nothing sums up the fact that misogyny is alive and well like this statement. I object to this not only as a female, but also as an infertile woman. I'm just gonna go ahead and hope they have a successful pregnancy and healthy baby, m'kay? But good luck with the whole male heir thing.

Post: "Children are such a blessing from God!"
There's absolutely nothing wrong with this statement except that it makes me feel like my heart is in a vice. Children are indeed a blessing from whatever higher power you believe in. But it hurts to think about. So... fuck you.

Post: "There's no greater feeling than when you see your baby's face for the first time! You're gonna love it!"
No seriously, fuck you.

It's worth mentioning that not one of these statements is likely to offend me when they're in response to my own good news. And this admitted hypocrisy makes me question whether or not I'll even invite the ol' FB into my pregnancy. If I do, I'll probably limit it to family and close friends. You know, the people I love no matter what stupid shit comes out of their mouth.

Monday, February 27, 2012

February 3, 2012

My love,

In my experience, no matter how long a woman battles infertility, if she does get pregnant, she inevitably switches teams: from the barren to the blessed. There’s no set time on when this happens. Maybe once she gets a positive pregnancy test, once she’s escaped the uncertainty of the first trimester or at her baby shower. Doesn’t matter; from what I’ve observed, it’s a sure bet. And I’m sure I won’t be the exception.

During the time we’ve been trying meet you, I’ve witnessed the pregnancies and births of three close friends. Sometimes it’s hard, other times it’s exciting. It all depends on what’s going on in the rest of my world.

Tonight I found out that your Aunt Renee is pregnant with her second. They went through hell to get their first child, and double that for the newest one. For this, I’m incredibly excited for her. It’s what came after the announcement that left a sour taste in my mouth. Through all of our conversations regarding infertility efforts and the lack of etiquette most people seem to have, the last thing I expected was for her to gush about morning sickness, choosing names, and ultrasounds.

But there it was. On the other end of the telephone line, holding my ears and my brain hostage. I suppose, for her part, it was more out of relief that their final try worked, and for that I truly can’t hold it against her. But I think it’s made me that much more aware of how I’ll behave when you make yourself known. However, like I said, who knows what will happen when I switch teams?

Goodnight, my dear. Don’t forget to brush your teeth.


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

January 24, 2012

My love,

I want to talk to you a little bit about implantation bleeding. Mainly, the fact that it’s a bullshit myth. Well, not entirely. I know it’s happened for real, but not nearly as frequently as infertile women trying to conceive would like to think. Let me back up – if you’re a girl, then you’re intimately familiar with the ways of the female reproductive system, specifically the menstrual cycle. If you’re a boy and you’re gagging right now, I have three words for you: suck it up. I want you to learn a lot from this journal, and one of those things is that infertility erases a good deal of modesty from your life and menstruation is nothing to be ashamed of.

Anyway, implantation bleeding is what (sometimes) happens when a fertilized egg implants in the uterine lining. This can cause minor bleeding. Very minor bleeding. But every woman trying to conceive wants to believe the spotting at the beginning of each period is implantation bleeding. Community boards are FULL of anxious women asking if they could be experiencing implantation bleeding, or IB as they call it. Needless to say, within a couple of days, when it’s revealed to be a full-fledged period, IB is the furthest things from our mind.

As I’m sure you can tell, little has progressed in the last six weeks on our journey to meet you. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ve been on Metformin for about five months and I’m having regular periods for the most part (hence the IB angst.) Also, your dad’s been on a drug called Anastrazole for a month in hopes up upping his testosterone and lowering his estrogen, eventually raising his sperm count. He had some blood work done two weeks ago to check if the medicine had any effect. Today was his follow-up appointment and it turns out that the meds worked! His estrogen is down and testosterone is up. Good news for the sperm! We’ll find out more about that in a few months. He’s going to take the pills for another 90 days and then do a semen analysis.

So all in all, not a bad day! Wherever you are when you’re reading this, I hope you’re happy, healthy and warm. Goodnight, my love, and I’ll talk with you soon.


Friday, February 3, 2012

December 10, 2011 - Starting Over

My love,

I’m sitting in bed, under warm flannel sheets and a mink blanket, drinking delicious hot chocolate your father made me. It’s Saturday night and I’m doing the thing I love most in the world – nothing. I get so much enjoyment out of doing absolutely nothing. Well, that’s unfair to say; it’s not like I’m doing nothing. I’m always working on a project, surfing the internet, or staring idly at the TV whilst drooling on myself. Sometimes I alternate all three throughout a block of time. So really, your mother is a multi-tasker. Please try to contain your sense of awe.

I suppose I should introduce myself, or rather the me I used to be. I hope you’re reading this on your 18th birthday wondering what your boring, outdated and control freak mom was like at 27 before you came to be. Well, you’ll be disappointed to know that at this very moment, I’m boring, outdated and a control freak. Sorry. I wish I could tell you I used to be a Vegas showgirl, or a congresswoman or a nuclear physicist, but those would be lies, and I don’t want to start you out reminiscing about a lie.

Maybe I should start at the beginning. I was raised the only child in a two-parent household in Wyoming. I don’t have much to complain about; I had a mostly happy childhood, excelled academically and had about 6 best friends in a ten year period. That all seems like ancient history, though, because it was before I met your father. I’m not saying we’ve had an epic romance on par with Tristan and Isolde or Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy, (see how I didn’t say Romeo and Juliet? They’re slightly overrated as a couple. I mean, Jesus, they’re two teenagers who throw the ultimate temper tantrum because they can’t get married, and then they tragically and accidentally end their lives. But I digress.) but it’s special and unique to us.

Our relationship began in 2000 when I was a sophomore in high school and he was a senior. I’ll spare you the awkward and mushy details for now, and I’ll give you the highlights. We began dating in 2000, bought a house in 2003, I graduated college in 2005, we married in 2006 and decided to start trying to have you in 2010. Now here we are in 2011, and I can honestly say it’s been a wild decade!

December 4th marked the one-year anniversary of trying to get pregnant. It’s been tough and we haven’t, as of yet, been successful, but we’re fighting. The same year we started trying for you, I was diagnosed with a condition called PCOS or polycystic ovary syndrome. It’s just a few fancy words meaning I don’t ovulate on my own. I’m in good company, though, because it’s estimated that 10-20% of American women have it, and it’s the leading cause of female fertility problems. So… phew! What a relief that I’m part of an in-crowd! I’m just kidding; it’s a bullshit thing to have and there’s no cure for it. I can mitigate it through diet and exercise (remember the hot chocolate mentioned above?) but that’s another story for another time.

I’m hoping that through this journal I can show you what your father and I went through to bring you into this world, and that no matter how angsty you get as a teenager, you’ll know you were always 100% on purpose.

I should head off to bed soon. All this nothing has made me pretty sleepy.


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

July 10, 2011

My love,
It wasn't you in that picture.
That became clear to me on Thursday when I started my cycle earlier than I expected. Apparently clomid can shorten one's cycles. I saw Dr. B yesterday for a CD3 ultrasound and was cleared for another round of clomid - this time at 100 mg. He also ordered another round of blood work for a PCOS work-up as some symptoms have been worsening.
The day I took the test, I got a call from his office in the afternoon saying that the 1-hour results of my glucose tolerance test were at a critically low level (44). I won't know what this means until early next week, once I've talked to the doctor and possibly repeated the test. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared.
Now I'm not only scared that I'm never going to meet you, but that I'm also going to end up diabetic or something. (I've probably forgotten to tell you that I was raised by a hugely in-denial type-2 diabetic.) That's the last thing I want. I also worry that your father will wind up diabetic as well, if he isn't already. He refuses to let the doctors test his blood because 1) He's just stubborn and 2) he wants to make more progress on his weight loss before he's tested. I can somewhat understand his rationale, but it makes me nervous nonetheless.
I am so proud of him, though, for the strides he's made. He's a great guy, you dad. He makes me crazy sometimes, but I love him and he's amazing.
Well, I should go continue with the house cleaning. Your grandpa Sean will be here on Tuesday and I don't want the house to look like a pig sty. Goodbye for now!


Monday, January 16, 2012

June 23, 2011

My love,
Well, the smiley face was a lie.
I had a progesterone test done one week later and it came back at 1.6 - not good. A couple of days later Mother Nature confirmed that I wasn't pregnant. I was devastated. I think I just pinned all my hopes on the clomid that I got blindsided.
Anyway, after a lot of crying I was able to make plans for the following month. I was also able to enjoy throwing Natalie her bridal shower. It was a really fun day overall.
My doctor recommended another round of clomid followed by the HCG trigger shot. This shot is designed to be given once a follicle reaches a certain size and will force ovulation within 36 hours. I went in for an ultrasound on Tuesday which was CD11 and my lead follicle just wasn't quite big enough - only about 35 mm. I was bummed.
But I went back today, two days later and the lead had grown to 44.6 mm which is right within range for ovulation! I got the trigger shot so we'll see what happens!
I'm including the ultrasound picture of my lead follicle. I have no idea if it's you or not (I hope so) but I thought it would be a cool thing to have. :)
Lead follicle on right ovary - 44.6 mm

Friday, January 13, 2012

June 1, 2011

My love,
I got a smiley face today!
I know you probably don't know what that means, but I'm thrilled. I took an OPK today on the off-chance I hadn't ovulate yet and it was a very definite positive! I confirmed with a digital this evening and got a smiley face! I had never seen one before and it means that I'm about to ovulate!
I was nervous thinking the clomid hadn't actually worked, but now I'm thinking it did. I'll go in a week from tomorrow to have my blood drawn to check my progesterone levels in hopes of confirming ovulation. I'll let you know what I find out.
On another happy note, today Sabrina and Justin found out they're having a boy! Very exciting start to the month of June!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

May 10, 2011

My love,
It all comes down to patience. And waiting. Lots of patience and lots of waiting.
This is true for many parts of life, but it's especially true when you're trying to have a baby. It's almost funny; first you take for granted that you're going to have children, then you waste enormous amounts of energy trying *not* to get pregnant. Now granted, we haven't been trying to meet you for very long in the grand scheme of things, but it feels like an eternity.
That's what scares me about the patience and the waiting. If six months feels like forever, will it ever get better? I know in the end it will all be worth it when you make your introductions, but I admit right now patience simply isn't my strong suit. I am, however, so incredibly thankful for your father. He may never understand exactly what's going on in my head, or on these pages, but he's here for better or worse. We've been through a lot in our 11 years together, and I'm sure we'll come through this stronger than before.
I  must get to bed; early, early day tomorrow.


Monday, January 9, 2012

It Gets Better....

The more entries I transcribe from my journal, the more I realize how depressing they are.
I promise it's gotten better, we're just not at that point in the book yet.

May 8, 2011

My love,
It's Mother's Day and you're nowhere in sight.
I admit I have been sad today and don't know if there's anything that can be done about it but to wait it out. Sabrina says I'm a mother who hasn't met her baby yet; a thought that's equally sweet and depressing.
I'm hopeful that I'll meet you someday. I promise to hang in there if you will, too. :)
Well, I should be off. I have about 30 bridal shower invitations to make for Natalie.
Happy Someday Mother's Day!

Friday, January 6, 2012

April 12, 2011

My love,

I feel so singular lately, so empty.

It's nothing I can explain to anyone because the one person who would understand is in a different plane of existence right now. I just wish I knew for sure what was going on at any given time. But that's the ultimate cosmic joke - the control freak has discovered the one thing she has no hope of controlling. I feel bad for your dad, though. He knows something's wrong, but he doesn't know what to do to help. The truth is, I don't know if there is anything he can do.

I don't know how long this lull will last. The evenings are the worst. Things will likely change next month. And the month after that. And the month after that. Sorry for my morose tone. I should head for bed soon.


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

March 26, 2011

My love,
   I feel further away from you today than I have ever before.
   I wanted this journal to be upbeat and life-affirming. But it's become more cathartic than I ever imagined it would.
   Yesterday we found out that our good friends Sabrina and Justin are pregnant and expecting their little one in November. It's especially emotional because in October of last year they had a miscarriage. We're very excited for them, but also nervous. At any rate, I'm a little embarrassed to admit I'm also jealous.
   There's so much up in the air right now. I haven't told you yet that last summer I was diagnosed with a condition called PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which is basically a fancy way of saying the hormones in my body don't always do their job, so it's never certain I'll ovulate in any given month.
   This alone can cause anxiety as it also indicates I'm at a 5-7 times greater risk of developing diabetes or heart disease in my lifetime. But then you add in the stress of trying to conceive and you realize nothing is as simple as you once thought it would be.
   Maybe I'm overreacting. I'm sure you know I have a tendency to do that. I hope I haven't passed that along to you. :)
   At any rate, there's a lot going on around me and I'm feeling a little sorry for myself; it's only because I'm so anxious to get to know you. Goodnight for now, my dear.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

March 22, 2011

My love,
   I don't know much more about you since I last wrote. The only new information I have is that you won't be born in 2011. I'd be lying if I said this didn't make me a little sad. I'm not a superstitious person, but this whole Mayan 2012/end of the world thing gives me the slightest pause. This probably seems silly and morbid to you now, but that's my confesion.
   Anyway, things have gotten pretty chaotic in the world lately. Most of Wisconsin workers are on strike and/or protesting thanks to the governor trying to bust up unions, New Zealand and Japan had massive earthquakes causing a debilitating tsunami in Japan, and we're staging air strikes against Libya. Oh, also, multiple nuclear reactors are on the verge of melt down. However, the Japanese are very impressive in their strength and resilience.
   Libya, on the other hand scares the bejeezus out of me. I understand that the Libyan people are oppressed and should be liberated, but we're currently waging two other wars that we're not getting out of any time soon, and I don't want an open-ended engagement in yet another middle eastern country to come out of this. I hope I'm wrong.
   On a more local note, your father and I have to have a tree removed tomorrow. The previous owners planted it too close to the fence and our house. Eleven-hundred dollars later, both structures should be safe. We're going to your Uncle David's birthday party (#43, I think...) and then later to see our friends, Sabrina and Justin this weekend. I hope you know them; they're wonderful people. Well, I'm going to sign off for now and go work on the family genealogy for your Aunt Sarah.
   How funny; I'm interacting with my past, present and future in one night. :)

Monday, January 2, 2012

March 14, 2011

My love,
   You don't even exist yet and already I find myself daydreaming about you every day. I have no idea when I'm going to meet you, what your name will be, or what you'll look like, but I truly can't wait to find out. I'm starting this journal so you can meet the person I was before I became your mom. I'll write as often as I can, but forgive me if there are gaps; I've never been all that great at journal writing.
   If you were to take a snap-shot of my life right now, you would see me (26 and a bottle red head), your dad (29 and into all things mechanical) and our two dogs in a little yellow house we call home. Your father is one of the smartest people I've ever met, but he doubts himself sometimes because he's not "book smart." He is in near constant motion. Even when he's sleeping, he's usually got a project going. As I write this, there's a batch of beer brewing in our basement.
   As for me, I like to make things with my hands, too. I knit, occasionally dyeing yarn, cross stitch, and have recently discovered a fondness for making bread. Can't cook to save my life, but the cinnamon raisin bread I made yesterday was amazing.
   I'll leave it at that for tonight as it's past my bedtime. Next time I'll tell you a bit more about me and your grandparents.