Wednesday, January 18, 2012

July 10, 2011

My love,
It wasn't you in that picture.
That became clear to me on Thursday when I started my cycle earlier than I expected. Apparently clomid can shorten one's cycles. I saw Dr. B yesterday for a CD3 ultrasound and was cleared for another round of clomid - this time at 100 mg. He also ordered another round of blood work for a PCOS work-up as some symptoms have been worsening.
The day I took the test, I got a call from his office in the afternoon saying that the 1-hour results of my glucose tolerance test were at a critically low level (44). I won't know what this means until early next week, once I've talked to the doctor and possibly repeated the test. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared.
Now I'm not only scared that I'm never going to meet you, but that I'm also going to end up diabetic or something. (I've probably forgotten to tell you that I was raised by a hugely in-denial type-2 diabetic.) That's the last thing I want. I also worry that your father will wind up diabetic as well, if he isn't already. He refuses to let the doctors test his blood because 1) He's just stubborn and 2) he wants to make more progress on his weight loss before he's tested. I can somewhat understand his rationale, but it makes me nervous nonetheless.
I am so proud of him, though, for the strides he's made. He's a great guy, you dad. He makes me crazy sometimes, but I love him and he's amazing.
Well, I should go continue with the house cleaning. Your grandpa Sean will be here on Tuesday and I don't want the house to look like a pig sty. Goodbye for now!


Monday, January 16, 2012

June 23, 2011

My love,
Well, the smiley face was a lie.
I had a progesterone test done one week later and it came back at 1.6 - not good. A couple of days later Mother Nature confirmed that I wasn't pregnant. I was devastated. I think I just pinned all my hopes on the clomid that I got blindsided.
Anyway, after a lot of crying I was able to make plans for the following month. I was also able to enjoy throwing Natalie her bridal shower. It was a really fun day overall.
My doctor recommended another round of clomid followed by the HCG trigger shot. This shot is designed to be given once a follicle reaches a certain size and will force ovulation within 36 hours. I went in for an ultrasound on Tuesday which was CD11 and my lead follicle just wasn't quite big enough - only about 35 mm. I was bummed.
But I went back today, two days later and the lead had grown to 44.6 mm which is right within range for ovulation! I got the trigger shot so we'll see what happens!
I'm including the ultrasound picture of my lead follicle. I have no idea if it's you or not (I hope so) but I thought it would be a cool thing to have. :)
Lead follicle on right ovary - 44.6 mm

Friday, January 13, 2012

June 1, 2011

My love,
I got a smiley face today!
I know you probably don't know what that means, but I'm thrilled. I took an OPK today on the off-chance I hadn't ovulate yet and it was a very definite positive! I confirmed with a digital this evening and got a smiley face! I had never seen one before and it means that I'm about to ovulate!
I was nervous thinking the clomid hadn't actually worked, but now I'm thinking it did. I'll go in a week from tomorrow to have my blood drawn to check my progesterone levels in hopes of confirming ovulation. I'll let you know what I find out.
On another happy note, today Sabrina and Justin found out they're having a boy! Very exciting start to the month of June!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

May 10, 2011

My love,
It all comes down to patience. And waiting. Lots of patience and lots of waiting.
This is true for many parts of life, but it's especially true when you're trying to have a baby. It's almost funny; first you take for granted that you're going to have children, then you waste enormous amounts of energy trying *not* to get pregnant. Now granted, we haven't been trying to meet you for very long in the grand scheme of things, but it feels like an eternity.
That's what scares me about the patience and the waiting. If six months feels like forever, will it ever get better? I know in the end it will all be worth it when you make your introductions, but I admit right now patience simply isn't my strong suit. I am, however, so incredibly thankful for your father. He may never understand exactly what's going on in my head, or on these pages, but he's here for better or worse. We've been through a lot in our 11 years together, and I'm sure we'll come through this stronger than before.
I  must get to bed; early, early day tomorrow.


Monday, January 9, 2012

It Gets Better....

The more entries I transcribe from my journal, the more I realize how depressing they are.
I promise it's gotten better, we're just not at that point in the book yet.

May 8, 2011

My love,
It's Mother's Day and you're nowhere in sight.
I admit I have been sad today and don't know if there's anything that can be done about it but to wait it out. Sabrina says I'm a mother who hasn't met her baby yet; a thought that's equally sweet and depressing.
I'm hopeful that I'll meet you someday. I promise to hang in there if you will, too. :)
Well, I should be off. I have about 30 bridal shower invitations to make for Natalie.
Happy Someday Mother's Day!

Friday, January 6, 2012

April 12, 2011

My love,

I feel so singular lately, so empty.

It's nothing I can explain to anyone because the one person who would understand is in a different plane of existence right now. I just wish I knew for sure what was going on at any given time. But that's the ultimate cosmic joke - the control freak has discovered the one thing she has no hope of controlling. I feel bad for your dad, though. He knows something's wrong, but he doesn't know what to do to help. The truth is, I don't know if there is anything he can do.

I don't know how long this lull will last. The evenings are the worst. Things will likely change next month. And the month after that. And the month after that. Sorry for my morose tone. I should head for bed soon.


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

March 26, 2011

My love,
   I feel further away from you today than I have ever before.
   I wanted this journal to be upbeat and life-affirming. But it's become more cathartic than I ever imagined it would.
   Yesterday we found out that our good friends Sabrina and Justin are pregnant and expecting their little one in November. It's especially emotional because in October of last year they had a miscarriage. We're very excited for them, but also nervous. At any rate, I'm a little embarrassed to admit I'm also jealous.
   There's so much up in the air right now. I haven't told you yet that last summer I was diagnosed with a condition called PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which is basically a fancy way of saying the hormones in my body don't always do their job, so it's never certain I'll ovulate in any given month.
   This alone can cause anxiety as it also indicates I'm at a 5-7 times greater risk of developing diabetes or heart disease in my lifetime. But then you add in the stress of trying to conceive and you realize nothing is as simple as you once thought it would be.
   Maybe I'm overreacting. I'm sure you know I have a tendency to do that. I hope I haven't passed that along to you. :)
   At any rate, there's a lot going on around me and I'm feeling a little sorry for myself; it's only because I'm so anxious to get to know you. Goodnight for now, my dear.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

March 22, 2011

My love,
   I don't know much more about you since I last wrote. The only new information I have is that you won't be born in 2011. I'd be lying if I said this didn't make me a little sad. I'm not a superstitious person, but this whole Mayan 2012/end of the world thing gives me the slightest pause. This probably seems silly and morbid to you now, but that's my confesion.
   Anyway, things have gotten pretty chaotic in the world lately. Most of Wisconsin workers are on strike and/or protesting thanks to the governor trying to bust up unions, New Zealand and Japan had massive earthquakes causing a debilitating tsunami in Japan, and we're staging air strikes against Libya. Oh, also, multiple nuclear reactors are on the verge of melt down. However, the Japanese are very impressive in their strength and resilience.
   Libya, on the other hand scares the bejeezus out of me. I understand that the Libyan people are oppressed and should be liberated, but we're currently waging two other wars that we're not getting out of any time soon, and I don't want an open-ended engagement in yet another middle eastern country to come out of this. I hope I'm wrong.
   On a more local note, your father and I have to have a tree removed tomorrow. The previous owners planted it too close to the fence and our house. Eleven-hundred dollars later, both structures should be safe. We're going to your Uncle David's birthday party (#43, I think...) and then later to see our friends, Sabrina and Justin this weekend. I hope you know them; they're wonderful people. Well, I'm going to sign off for now and go work on the family genealogy for your Aunt Sarah.
   How funny; I'm interacting with my past, present and future in one night. :)

Monday, January 2, 2012

March 14, 2011

My love,
   You don't even exist yet and already I find myself daydreaming about you every day. I have no idea when I'm going to meet you, what your name will be, or what you'll look like, but I truly can't wait to find out. I'm starting this journal so you can meet the person I was before I became your mom. I'll write as often as I can, but forgive me if there are gaps; I've never been all that great at journal writing.
   If you were to take a snap-shot of my life right now, you would see me (26 and a bottle red head), your dad (29 and into all things mechanical) and our two dogs in a little yellow house we call home. Your father is one of the smartest people I've ever met, but he doubts himself sometimes because he's not "book smart." He is in near constant motion. Even when he's sleeping, he's usually got a project going. As I write this, there's a batch of beer brewing in our basement.
   As for me, I like to make things with my hands, too. I knit, occasionally dyeing yarn, cross stitch, and have recently discovered a fondness for making bread. Can't cook to save my life, but the cinnamon raisin bread I made yesterday was amazing.
   I'll leave it at that for tonight as it's past my bedtime. Next time I'll tell you a bit more about me and your grandparents.