Wednesday, January 4, 2012

March 26, 2011

My love,
   I feel further away from you today than I have ever before.
   I wanted this journal to be upbeat and life-affirming. But it's become more cathartic than I ever imagined it would.
   Yesterday we found out that our good friends Sabrina and Justin are pregnant and expecting their little one in November. It's especially emotional because in October of last year they had a miscarriage. We're very excited for them, but also nervous. At any rate, I'm a little embarrassed to admit I'm also jealous.
   There's so much up in the air right now. I haven't told you yet that last summer I was diagnosed with a condition called PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which is basically a fancy way of saying the hormones in my body don't always do their job, so it's never certain I'll ovulate in any given month.
   This alone can cause anxiety as it also indicates I'm at a 5-7 times greater risk of developing diabetes or heart disease in my lifetime. But then you add in the stress of trying to conceive and you realize nothing is as simple as you once thought it would be.
   Maybe I'm overreacting. I'm sure you know I have a tendency to do that. I hope I haven't passed that along to you. :)
   At any rate, there's a lot going on around me and I'm feeling a little sorry for myself; it's only because I'm so anxious to get to know you. Goodnight for now, my dear.

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