Monday, April 30, 2012

April 30, 2012

My love,
Waiting does funny things to a person. Some days it makes you feel that if you have to wait another minute for that which you desire, you could very easily implode. Other days, it makes you feel strong and confident. Like turning around mid-trip to look at the thousand miles you've come, while remembering the beginning when you were sure you couldn't take the first step. We'll continue to wait for and travel toward you, I promise.
The side effects of waiting have been on my mind today because the day has finally come to see if the medicine your father's been taking has worked. His tests were today, but we won't actually get the results until May 8. So we wait some more, all the while the results have already been observed, recorded and filed away for the doctors' perusal.
This doesn't bother me nearly as much as it used to. So I guess you could say I'm having a strong day. I learned the hard way that many times, even though you can easily get test results over the phone, you don't get the context (or reassuring words) unless it comes from a doctor. This doesn't mean I'm not tempted to jump the gun. It just means I'll find a way to keep my mind occupied until I no longer have to. It reminds me a bit of finals back in college. You do all you can do to prepare leading up to the test, then you give it to the universe to do with it what it may.
I imagine you're a lot like me- a worrier and a planner. I so, I hope we've taken steps to help you cope with this. Heaven knows I could have used some help earlier than I got it. But if you're not, don't worry. Life can be hard enough without beating yourself up over things you can't control.
I'm off to make dinner. Take care.


Saturday, April 7, 2012

April 7, 2012

My love,

I see what you're doing, and I don't like it. I don't like that you haven't even been created yet and already you're calling the shots. But I guess you're just preparing me for what it will be like when you're here. Heaven help us if you're as stubborn as me. I came to the realization the other day that you're waiting until I'm really ready. You're waiting to make sure I'm really sure about all of this mothering stuff. You're just waiting until the right time.

Well, here's the deal. I'm not sure about a lot of things. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with the heart break of failed IUI attempts, how much money we're going to spend before we meet you, or whether the road to that meeting is going to look anything like I picture it.

I'm not even 100% sure that I'll find my niche in parenting. Who knows? Maybe I'm meant to be "the cool aunt" forever. But here's what I am sure about: I'm sure that no matter how scary the thought of failure is, it will all be worth it when our dream of you becomes reality. I'm sure that we'll be the best parents we can be to you and I'm sure you're going to be smothered with more love than any one kid can handle.

So basically, we're moving forward. I'm working to change my diet so I'm not sabotaging myself by rebelling against my PCOS. I'm also seeking out alternative medicine treatments (Mayan abdominal massage and acupuncture - more about those later) in hopes of balancing my overall health. We'll see how it all works out.

I saw this on the road the other day and just had to take a picture as I chuckled to myself. It was a clearer sign than I could have wished for. The universe was telling me, "Yes, the road ahead will be rough, but you better figure out a way to get through it, because there's no turning back now!"