June 17, 2012

My love,

Well, it's official: I'm pregnant.

After I got the positive HPT on Tuesday, I called my RE's office and told them. If it's possible, they were just as excited as I was. They sent me in for bloodwork to check my HCG and progesterone levels. The HCG test is commonly referred to as a "beta." So beta #1 panned out this way: HCG - 126, progesterone - 20. Pretty good numbers. :) Then they sent me back two days later for beta #2. These were the results: HCG - 370, progesterone - 25.6. They like to see the HCG double every 48-72 hours, and the progesterone to stay above 8, so the nurse said these results were great! I'm on these wretched progesterone suppositories for who knows how long to keep the level up in my uterus, so first hurdle cleared there.

Now we're on to a whole host of others.

The biggest thing we're battling right now is my anxiety. I'm not really what you'd call an optimist. I'm always waiting for the worst case scenario to happen. Don't worry; I'm in therapy for it and have been for a while. I don't want to fuck you up too badly by not ever letting you drive or shave or something like that. But no matter how much work I do on my anxiety, stressers always pop up to make me go back into overdrive. This is a stresser. Not that I'm not thrilled to finally be pregnant (hallelujah!) I'm just scared shitless that it's not going to last and it's not you in there. Your dad says he knows for certain that this is it and that we're going to meet you come February. I'm getting there.

I go back and forth between daydreaming about getting big and pregnant and holding you in my arms to going to the bathroom and seeing blood in my underwear and ending up in the ER. I have absolutely no reason to believe that this pregnancy will end badly, except for the reason I confessed to two entries ago: it's just not meant to be this easy for me. Is it?

Your poor father, he puts up with me so well. I know I would have gotten frustrated long before now. That's why I want him to be your daddy. He's amazing, just you wait.

So, what to do with this journal now that I'm pregnant? Well, it's going to change a bit, but not much. It's still meant to show you all that I went through to be your mother, and I can't help but think that the real test of endurance has yet to come. So, stick around. The story's not over yet.

Love,
Me

P.S. Happy Father's Day! :)