I had a dream last night that I was pregnant with you. It was one of those incredibly vivid dreams and when I woke up I thought for a second that it was real. But reality quickly rushed in and I realized it was all made up.
I can still see it so clearly. We were in a dimly lit sonogram room and we had just found out you were a girl. In that moment I could see so clearly what you were going to look like and it filled me with such wonderful and warm emotions.
I think three things contributed to my dream.
1. We found out on Tuesday that even though the medicine your Dad's been taking worked in raising his sperm count, (27 million - yeah!) his morphology is down about 7 points at 1%. This makes our chances of conception extremely low (They're pointing us toward IVF at this point.) I started crying before we even left the office. I felt bad; I didn't want your father to think I was blaming him for anything, but I just felt like it was yet another obstacle to overcome. Normally I would say something like, "Anything worth having takes hard work," and I believe that, I really do. I'm just in a sour place right now.
2. This Sunday is Mother's Day. Every year I'm reminded how many amazing women are in my life who are also mothers. I'm also reminded that I'm not one of them. Because of this, all week I've been doing this odd dance between embracing and avoiding Mother's Day. It's exhausting.
3. Chinese food. It's 100% possible that the egg fried rice messed with my brain last night.
So, needless to say, I've had a lot on my mind lately. We're meeting our RE on Monday to discuss moving forward. I'm actually excited because now I know what direction we're working toward and I think it's all going to work out.
Love,
Me
